AlreadyDead (psykoboy2) wrote,

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There's been this scene in my head. Repeats every now and then. It's a scene I have always wanted to film. Flashes of my mother while she was a alive. Pictures of her during holidays. Different things with the main focus just being on her. Finally climaxing with images of me.....alone. Standing cold at her grave.

I almost made that scene. I'd planned and prepared the night before I was to begin shooting. Odd that it was that scene I was planning on shooting and the very next day, my father died.

I never really made the connection till a few days later, and as horrible as it may sound, I missed some great shots during the funeral I could have had. Oh sure, with money, I could assemble a cast to completely re-do the entire funeral, burial and all. But there is so much more there at the moment. Everything is genuine. And don't think for a second I didn't contemplate this, cause I did. But it was too hard to stay focused on doing that during all of what was going on.

I had the music selected. In fact, it was the music that inspired the scene itself and what I wanted and how I wanted it shot. It was a beautiful piece of music written by Hans Zimmer. Moving in and of itself, but with the images I wanted to add...I was hoping for the tear jerker of all tear jerkers.

My family, divided as it is, knows all too well how much I respect my parents, especially my mother. How I protect their honor even in death. But even with trying to do this, I have gotten some strange looks. Honestly, they don't want me to do it, and I am not sure if it's because they are scared to remember or not.

Sometimes I am very scared to remember them. I can feel it coming and I hate the thoughts and what they bring. Other times, I'm just not in the mood to go through it. But I can never stop them. They come, and bring with them pain, joy, and sometimes both, all of which I take. The good with the bad. It can't all be good, you know? The bad is there to help us more appreciate the good.

And it isn't bad in a sense. Mainly just sad. But that comes with all their thoughts.
You have no idea how much I wish I could get a progress report from them now...if they've been watching.

I've said before that destiny is a path filled with dust, never quite clear of what's ahead. And the only way through it is to trust. Trust where that path takes you. Close your eyes if you have to, but go. Follow that path, as best you can through the dust, and trust it. Trust yourself.
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