It sounds like torture, but there's some weird thought in me that maybe the more I can get used to those thoughts the less they will haunt me.
This entire weekend has been one of sadness and soul searching. And even though the weekend may be ending, all of those other things are not. They will take time to heal - and let me be clear that no one has hurt me more than myself. It is 100% on me.
I've been reading reddit posts on Polyamory, comforted in the fact that I'm not alone here in the way that I feel, but also eased by reading the successful stories.
Communication is key and being distant this weekend to both of these people has shown me that isn't the way to handle things. I'm used to retreating. Hiding. Keeping to myself to deal with my issues and finding comfort and security in my solitude. And I may still do that from time to time when it gets intense, but I know better now. It isn't a last resort, but a resort to take when I need to, but the communication must come first and I must never close off that path.
No one wins that way. They can't comfort you without knowing you need it and you can't get that without telling them.
I think I'm going to be okay...for now. I know it will come back but I hope I'm better informed to deal with it when it does.
And not only because she is worth it. She is. She is worth every bit of what I'm going through if I can come out of it with her on the other side.
I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE HER.
But also because I'm worth it.
I think I know that now.
