That was part of my day yesterday. The other part was that it was around that same time when I decided to cancel on seeing her. This would have been our fourth weekend seeing each other. I think. But yeah, from the morning when I woke up I'd felt odd and just really fucking sad, to be honest, and I had contemplated cancelling then just based on my mood. I thought it might change. I thought as the day went on I would get better or shake off the feelings but sitting there almost crying, I knew it wasn't going away. And I knew after the show that afternoon that I just really wanted to be left alone to myself. No one deserved to be around me in that mind set and surprise, surprise, it's continued into today.
This was something I thought I would be better at. This was something I wanted to be better at. But I'm failing. Every time, I'm failing. And now I'm putting drama and sadness into the lives of two people who in no way deserve that. They deserve better and I wish I could be that for them, but I'm really starting to feel like I can't do it. And I don't know what that's going to mean, but it scares me and it does a HUGE number on my self confidence. Not that my self confidence was anything to write home about in the first place.
If I can't do this, I'll lose someone who's been very patient and understanding and kind and considerate and just over all amazing. And then I'll lose someone who is all of those things but has been so much more for me and to me. We're *this* close to celebrating a year together and I cannot describe in words the connection we have and how much she means to me. She means so much that I felt like I could do this for her so I could be to her what she has been to me and get beyond all of this, but the fear of coming up short in that regard is strong.
In failing both of these women, I feel like I'm also losing them. This whole weekend I've been rather distant to both of them and that's my own fault, but I can easily imagine them having other conversations with people that are making them smile and feel better while I just keep dragging them down. No one wants that and it is very easy to gravitate to the person who brings you joy and smiles.
That person is not me for either of them right now.
And I'm scared that I'll never be that person for them any more.