I crashed hard last night anyway. Left my watch on and I usually never do that. I woke up this morning with "good morning" texts from both of them.
I haven't responded.
I'm still getting ready for the show and I've done my usual Saturday morning routines that I have. Still without saying anything. I've looked myself in the mirror before shaving and nearly broke down right there with everything going through my head.
Oh yeah, those things going through my head. So I guess it isn't really sleeping on it that makes you find a new perspective on things, but man, lonely showers are where dark thoughts are born. I really believe that. It's in there where I have countless conversations with absolutely no one but always come out feeling like I'd won the argument of whatever fictional debate was happening. It's usually about something that may or may not happen at work and in the shower with these fake conversations I become more brave than I ever thought possible. That's the dark part - because I am not that brave and I know it won't come out that way. It shows me what I could be if I ever had the confidence to actually be who I am. Same applies to this morning where I just had the thought to give it all up. Oh...wait, no, that's not a suicide thing. I'll never kill myself so let's get that out of the way up front. I meant to give up on these relationships. Both of them. The one only a few weeks old and not really even considered a relationship but I know her, we've spent time together and...yeah, just end it.
And then also the one nearly a full year old. She's seeing someone new and I know she's feeling those things of new beginnings and what not so her focus is there and you have to understand this is a woman who'd do anything for me - she'd give up that relationship for me if I asked, but I never would ask that of her. And maybe that's the issue. I could never ask her to do something like that for me so my head tells me to give it up. My heart says otherwise, of course. You should know in situations like this my head usually wins. Call it self sabotage or a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's the part where it all goes to shit.
I fear of making big mistakes in this. Really big. I fear losing her, but I also fear of becoming someone who kept her from becoming herself and doing her thing and being the person she wants to be. When I think about it too much it all collapses in on itself where I give up and shut down.
That's also not good.
Then I start impulse reacting.