AlreadyDead (psykoboy2) wrote,

101 Facts About Vin Diesel

The first 30 or so seem to also relate to Chuck Norris, who is of course the love child of Vin Diesel and a mortal woman. Strictly forbidden, but it happened.

1. Vin Diesel's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Vin Diesel does not sleep. He waits.

3. Vin Diesel is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Vin Diesel is pain.

5. If you can see Vin Diesel, he can see you. If you can't see Vin Diesel you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Vin Diesel built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Vin met all three bullets with his bald head, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

7. As a teen Vin Diesel impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

8. Vin Diesel sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Vin roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

9. Vin Diesel counted to infinity - twice.

10. Vin Diesel does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Vin Diesel goes killing.

11. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Vin Diesel smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

12. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vin Diesel.

13. A blind man once stepped on Vin Diesel's shoe. Vin Diesel replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Vin Diesel!" The mere mention of his name cured this man's blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Vin Diesel.

14. Vin Diesel once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

15. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Vin Diesel and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

16. When Vin Diesel sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Vin Diesel has not had to pay taxes ever.

17. Vin Diesel is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

18. Someone once tried to tell Vin Diesel that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

19. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Vin Diesel once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

20. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Vin Diesel's fist.

21. If Vin Diesel is late, time better slow the fuck down.

22. Vin Diesel is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Vin Diesel.

23. Vin Diesel's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF VIN DIESEL!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "You don't win if you fuck with Vin!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

24. If you ask Vin Diesel what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

25. Vin Diesel doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

26. The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Vin Diesel was Gary Colman. He has not grown since.

27. Vin Diesel was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.

28. Filming on location for Saving Private Ryan, Vin Diesel brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged head rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Vin Diesel roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Vin giveth, and the good Vin, he taketh away.

29. Vin Diesel frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

30. Vin Diesel once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

31. Vin Diesel doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Vin Diesel.

32. Onions do not make Vin Diesel cry. Vin Diesel makes onions shit themselves.

33. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

34. Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

35. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

36. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

37. Vin Diesel once shot Reno just to watch a city die.

38. When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

39. Circles exist because Vin Diesel beat the crap out of some squares.

40. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

41. Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

42. Vin Diesel can count backwards from infinity.

43. Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

44. Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

45. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

46. Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

47. Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

48. Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

49. Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

50. Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

51. Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

52. When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

53. Global Warming is primarily caused by Vin Diesel's smaller farts. His larger farts lead to things like Pompeii, the extinction of the dinosaurs, the sudden "disappearance" of the Mayan civilization, etc...

54. There used to be 17 planets in our solar system. That was before Vin Diesel learned how to play paper football.

55. Jamie Lee Curtis used to call Vin Diesel a pussy behind his back. Jamie Lee Curtis also used to have a career. And a penis.

56. Vin Diesel invented the act of opening doors, just so he could hold one open for the guy who played "Mr. Ernst" on Nickolodeon's "Hey Dude".

57. Vin Diesel perpendicular parks.

58. Vin Diesel once stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. He got a full house and eight people died.

59. Vin Diesel once took a dump. That dump is what we now call North Dakota.

60. Vin Diesel built this city on rock and roll.

61. Whenever God closes a door, he opens a window. Whenever Vin Diesel closes a door, people die.

62. Vin Diesel owns the dog from Duck Hunt.

63. Contrary to popular belief, the brassierre was not invented for feminine breast support, but to function as a jockstrap for Vin Diesel's gargantuan testicles.

64. Vin Diesel has no idea who Bob Saget is, but he doesnt like him.

65. Vin Diesel's toast lands butter side up.

66. Vin Diesel once killed a man by simply turning in his general direction.

67. Vin Diesel enjoys clapping babies together like erasers. He calls it blapping.

68. And on the Eighth day, God created Vin Diesel...and ran the fuck away in fear of what he had done.

69. The limit as x approaches infinity of e^x is Vin Diesel. Ironicially, the limit as x approaches Vin Diesel of e^x is David Hasselhoff.

70. Vin Diesel always calls heads when flipping a coin - or a baby.

71. The eruption of Mt. St. Helens was caused by the force of Vin Diesel's wrist hitting the table when he lost his first ever arm wrestling match. His opponent was Autobot commander Optimus Prime, and it was a close one.

72. Vin Diesel knows psychiatry better than Tom Cruise does.

73. Vin Diesel can slam a revolving door.

74. Vin Diesel knows the last digit of pi.

75. Vin Diesel is the only living person that knows the Colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices. The Colonel did too, but that's why Vin Diesel killed him.

76. Whenever Vin Diesel puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

77. Vin Diesel was once pulled over for going 120 miles per awesome.

78. Vin Diesel goes deer hunting with a fork.

79. Vin Diesel does not use adverbs. Vin Diesel uses verbjectives.

80. Vin Diesel's wake up call is a 12-gauge shotgun to the right leg. The snooze alarm is a .50 caliber to the face.

81. Vin Diesel plays Minesweeper with real mines.

82. Vin Diesel inhales oxygen and exhales black holes.

83. All months used to have 32 days, but Vin Diesel demanded a sacrifice from each month. February refused to comply, so Vin Diesel fucked the month up for good by making it the worst month ever.

84. Vin Diesel got so angry at a mountain blocking his path that he punched it as hard as he could. Some of the pieces came back down and are now called Stonehenge. The part that didn't became the moon.

85. Everybody Loves Raymond. Except Vin Diesel; he fuckin hates that guy.

86. Vin Diesel can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

87. A spoonfull of sugar helps the medicine go down. A spoonfull of Vin Diesel will eat through your intestines.

88. There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's Vin Diesel.

89. During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.

90. When Vin Diesel farts in an elevator, people thank him.

91. A black cat crossing your path brings bad luck. Vin Diesel brings certain death.

92. Vin Diesel has successfully calculated the speed of dark.

93. Every time Vin Diesel spins the wheel on the Price is Right, he gets 1.00.

94. Vin Diesel doesn't have to breathe. He just does it because he likes the irony.

95. Vin Diesel once took his shirt off while touring Asia, covering all the land with a bright white light and caused all Asians to squint since.

96. Vin Diesel wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

97. Vin Diesel invented ice skates when he realized not everyone is born with blades attached to their feet.

98. Vin Diesel puts his pants on two legs at a time. Standing up.

99. Vin Diesel eats chopsticks with pieces of rice.

100. When Vin Diesel plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

101. If you enter Vin Diesel as your character name in Oregon Trail, you will never die, because cholera is for pussies.
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