AlreadyDead (psykoboy2) wrote,

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Home/Alone Is Where The Heart Is

It is your wings that make you beautiful

I hope this finds you well.

I've neglected my journal as of late from posting anything worth any meaning at all and perhaps I have no meaning in my words.

Not for all my little words

I woke up this morning with a rather large headache that still remains. I took something for it but have yet to fall back asleep and for that reason, I feel, is why the pain remains.

Meaningless, isn't it.

But is that what my life has come to in the past few months. Something meaningless with even less worth found within it. I was never good at looking at myself. Kelly, and I am sure others, could tell you that.

I've gotten nothing done this weekend that I wanted to do, and it wasn't much to do to begin with. I'm that lazy or just that tired. I'm putting my money on being lazy.

But I could never make you stay

A friend of mine has been writing lately of how they feel that being alone is their destiny, and they aren't so much complaining as they are just tying to realize it for themselves.

I'm the same way, I feel. Coming out of what I have, I can see that the road for me, in a relationship, is going to be hard. I have too many conflicts within myself and with the one I love. And so I see the road of loneliness before me and with a heavy sigh, I take that first step. I don't dread the journey. In fact, I see nothing wrong with it all, just wish I could have seen it before I went through what I did...and before I put another through it as well. But it takes things like that to tell us who we are. Or maybe it's just me. Blinded by the reality that I was meant, for the better part of it, to be alone in my life. I do not wish to have children and that cancels me out of a relationship pretty quick. I'm okay with that. I would not be willing to compromise the life of a child just so I can be with someone and be unhappy about it...knowing I didn't want the child in the first place. I don't despise children and I hope no one sees me as a monster or something because of it. I'm a child myself and I hope to remain as such for as long as I can. A kid in adults clothing. I'll keep my toys, my games, my childhood...and you can have those responsibilities of an adult and you can have the dissatisfaction that you can't look at the world anymore through the eyes you once did as a child. There may be no wonder left for me to find, but it's still left inside me. I don't give up on that. You look at the sky and see what you see...I look at the sky and wonder what I'm not seeing. I still believe in a Superman. And I hold on to what I have, in the hopes that the meanings of these things I will never forget. And what they did for me and to me. I've been loved in my life and I still am, it's me that's the problem with it all. It is I that is unhappy unless alone and even then I have my moments. After all, who wants to be with a child if not other children. Wendy's all grown up.

But she knows where to find me.

Second star to the right...and straight on till morning.
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