Wires crossed, broken switches. I can feel the clicks and turns in my head and I hear misfires.
I suppress everything. Just about. The very little I don't suppress is usually concerning my parents, but everything else, I just kind of hold in and let it dissipate. Doing that is bad, from what I have been told. I should express my feelings and talk to someone about things that go on, if they bother me or not and that type of thing.
And so when this love of mine, Kelly, decides to not tell me things she's feeling until after the fact, I should be respectful of that, since I do it 10 times worse than she does with my own feelings. But I'm not. I'm angered. I'm sad. I'm unhappy. I feel as though I must not be as close as I'd like to be so that she feels comfortable talking to me about anything she wants. And that just rips into me.
"If I could just be everything and everyone to you."
But I hold it in. I hold it down...only partially letting some of it out and hoping it isn't enough to make her upset at me or something. Holding back.
None of it's right. None of it's healthy.
"I wish I had the ability to turn off this side of me."
I care so goddamn much about her. But I have to come to terms with the fact that I am not the only man in her life who cares about her. And those other people can help her in some ways that maybe I just can't do.
And that really hurts me...as much as anything else, I guess.
Course, she has to read this here before even knowing about how I feel...and that's cause I hold it all in. *I* have to change.
Changing like this is hard. Sure, it's one thing to remember to leave her alone while she's online and to put the chairs back where they were when I am done sitting outside with her. Those are physical habits that change with just remembering to do them. But these emotional habits are so hard to change. It really took me years to let go when I was younger. To let go of being jealous, to stop thinking that just because she isn't talking to you at that very minute doesn't mean she's talking to 12 other guys and you mean nothing to her. That's what I mean about my paranoia. I don't want to fall back into that. I don't want to be the man she hates. I'm already the man I hate.
Not All There.