Monday, January 28, 2002
Driving home today, I thought about this journal of mine and what to write about next. The only thing I could think of was: S.E.X. Now that I have your attention....let's move forward.
I have no idea what to say about sex. And the different aspects of the word. But there is a story to get us started and this story takes place in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Back in Novemeber when I went there to see U2, I saw a lot more than that. The girl that went with me, Kerstin, wanted to go to a strip club out there...the Crazy Horse. So we went...I mean, she promised to buy me a lap dance so how could I refuse. The club was rather nice, but then again, there are only so many strip clubs I have actually been in. Though they liked to call this one a gentleman's club, though I hardly see how the term fits as most of the "gentlemen" in the place were college prep kids and horn dogs. Made me kinda mad, really, but I let it go. The place was there, and had been there a long time and some kid from out of town with a revolution in his head wasn't going to change anything....so I enjoyed myself. Oddly enough I found myself watching the men who were watching the women. Now, I'm straight as a fuckin arrow, but it was more as a study of human behavior than anything else as I watched these people. Don't get me wrong with what I said earlier. I'm for strip clubs...there's good money in it for the owners as well as the dancers....but don't dress it up. Call it what it is and be done with it. Anyway, back to the story: We sat and watched for a pretty long time, not really sure how to go about getting a lap dance or whatever. I didn't wanna grab a girl's attention....I'd rather her come to me, really and eventually they did. She bought me one and I really couldn't help but laugh the entire time it took place. After a while we moved to another room where Kerstin got a dance for herself. That was nice to watch....then it hit me.
I started listening to what was playing and in between songs from Nine Inch Nails, Linkin Park, Metallica, Rob Zombie....all of a sudden a familiar drum and bass line came through and it was U2's "Beautiful Day". I of course immediately wanted everyone to shut up, but I opted to just walk to an empty corner of the room and just listen. Then I got depressed. I looked around and saw women dancing to the song, which it is good to dance to, but for some reason, it was affecting me. I quickly turned to the corner and closed my eyes and looked down at my feet during the song. Kerstin and the dancer she was with asked if I was okay and I really didn't want to interrupt them or anything so I said I was. I wasn't the same for the rest of that night. Suddenly thoughts of my parents flooded my mind. Almost attacking it. The problem with all of this was not letting on that anything was wrong but at the same time not being able to look at anyone in the place. I remember turning one time away from someone getting a lap dance and looked directly into a mirror and saw myself, with the dancing in the background. That didn't help matters any. Eventually a bright spot came through when Kerstin wanted to go to the back room with one of the dancers....so I went with her. Actually...it didn't help either. Yeah, we were away from the crowd, but the stuff going on in the back was worse than the front. I just sat next to them as the dancer did her thing for Kerstin and stared blankly at the floor. Thoughts of crying and my parents came and went. Thoughts of getting up and just walking out even came to mind, but that would have been unfair to my friend. I wasn't about to ruin things for her. I think, she probably needed that to be honest. When it was all said and done....Kerstin looked me in the eyes as we were standing by the door and asked what was wrong.....I tried so hard to not let on that anything was wrong, but seeing the honesty and...well, something else was in her eyes as well...I couldn't lie to her as much as I wanted to. I told her what was wrong and we immediately left the place. I felt awful for what had happened. I had ruined her night most likely...and that made me feel selfish. As if I couldn't have a good time, she couldn't either. I probably never should have gone. This isn't the first time something like this has happened to me.
I think this is one of the most fucked up things about me really. Me and my view of sex. To put it simple...I have a hard time having sex with women I love. Be it that I put them on a pedestal of which I don't feel worthy enough to have sex with them or that I am just scared in ruining the relationship....I don't know. But it's tough. Whereas with women I've only known a little while...I have no problem having sex with them. Very strange. Maybe I take it too seriously, I don't know, but it hasn't changed since I was 15. Since I first saw Meagan. Not that it's her fault, but that's when I started thinking about it. I mean, with her, sex never entered my mind. Just her. All of her was everything on my mind and how much I love her. It wasn't sex I wanted from her, it was her time. Her attention. Her affection. And I think it remains the same with everyone I fall in love with. When it comes to lust or love.....it really ends up being, a friend or just another person passing by in my life. I hate lust....and sometimes love as well. As I said, it's probably one of the most fucked up things about me.