Sunday, September 30, 2001
What Do You See
Tell Me, Tell Me
What's Wrong With Me?"
Seems as if I can only get to these once a week. Honestly though, I only sit down and write when I feel like it. And tonight...well, I think I feel like it. A lot of time has passed since I did this stuff regularly. I've gone back many times and read over my old journals. So much of me has changed and oddly, a lot of me has not. When I first started this whole thing, I was without a Mother, and now, getting back to it, I am without a Father. Seems something major occurs in my life each time I set out to write something. Be it my personal life with my parents or with friends, a really bad day, a job change, and who knows what else? The minute this becomes a chore for me, or something I dread doing but feel like I am supposed to do it...well, that's when it stops. If there is no will to do something, then there is no way that it can be done and done good. My philosophy anyway.
When I was laid off at the radio station back in February.....well, I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to go back further. How far, I'm not too sure. Guess I'll just start, eh? I've never been good with women. Not that I treat them like dirt or anything, I just don't have very many relationships. All of them in the past have come from chance. It was never me asking them out to dinner or anything like that...it was spontaneous, it was fast, it was amazing, unbelievable, and heartbreaking all at the same time. Guess to give you an example would be to go through all of my relationships and show you how they started. By now, I'm sure I've gone through on how all of them ended. Anyway, here goes:
We met through the Internet and being that she was the closest in the group to me she came over one week when my parents were out of town. We apparently fell in love or she took advantage of being my first and I just fell.
She and I met at school. I was a senior and she was in the 9th grade. I just kept staring at her and watching her and eventually we talked one day and she went with me to a bookstore not long after. I guess that could be considered a date, I dunno. Later that same day we were sitting in her house, and I just turned to her and said, "So, umm...are we like...I dunno, going out; boyfriend and girlfriend type of thing or what? I'm not really sure how this goes." She turned to me and said, "Yeah. We are." There ya go.
She started out the same as with Tiffany. I just suddenly took notice of her. Well, not really. The very first time I saw her I was just completely enchanted. I remember it pretty well. I was working as a manager at the theater. She was a friend of one of my employees and was ironically dating a guy I knew from high school. She had the longest, thickest, blackest hair I ever remember seeing on a woman. Tall too. I was hooked from then on. I made it so I was behind the counter when she came to order popcorn or whatever and it was just amazing. We saw each other a few weeks or so later at a party. I was sitting in a corner and she came and sat with me and we talked. We never really dated cause she would never break up with her boyfriend, but she and I still had our moments. I was the other man, I guess.
I don't think I've mentioned these two until now. And well, there's nothing big behind either of them. No relationship ever came from them, but all that stuff I mentioned before...the fast, amazing, heartbreaking....all of that. Well, they are two really good examples. We'll start with Dana first. She and I met on the Internet. I was doing the morning show for the station and that's how we talked. She was just going to bed and I was just starting my day. Eventually, we decided to meet later that week. It was a cold Friday night and she waited out in a parking lot for me. We met, stood by her car and talked for a while then got inside her car to get away from the wind and cold. After a while in the car she held my hand, then hugged me and then kissed me. She did these things...not me. It was very strange. I was all excited, and we agreed to meet each other again the next night. Well, when the next night arrived, she changed. She suddenly was not interested in me and to be honest, I have still not forgiven her for playing with me like that. We still talk and I haven't let her forget about that night either. A few months later and I meet Jennifer online as well. I charmed her. I don't know how, but I charmed her. She got the best of me as well. Our first face-to-face came at the station one morning before the show went on the air. She could only stay for a little while but she hugged me and we got along great. I wrote her emails and left her messages and I never heard from her again until one Saturday night in January.
This is the first time I've mentioned her so I guess I'll give you the full story on her. One Saturday night in January, I was at a local bowling center with the station, had my camera with me as always. And well, she gave me a show. Being seductive and playful...it was really fun. Still have the tape today. Anyway, she got aggressive there with me for a while and as she walked off, she said something to me. I can't remember what now, but it was a hint. Something to the effect that she wouldn't be doing what she was doing if the guy with the camera wasn't as hot as I was. Yeah...it surprised me too. So much so that I followed up on what she said...first to make sure she said it and second to see if she meant it. She did. Her, her friends, and I sat out in their car in the cold talking. Must have been a few hours. We then went back to the station and it all fell into place. We held each other, we kissed, we got that great feeling you get just at the start of something wonderful. At least I did anyway. She was beautiful. Red hair and tall. Her greatest ability was, to her...her dancing and singing. She sang opera of all things and although I never heard it, the thought of when I would hear it warmed me. She got a scholarship to Huntington based on her voice alone.
There's never been anything sexual with any of these women, except for Becca who instigated the sex first then developed the relationship afterwards. Sex with Tiffany came 3 months after we started seeing each other and it only came about because she wanted it, not me. Our relationship was to end either way. With Sara, we never hardly talked about sex. Dana & Jennifer never even got anywhere near that. Then there was Brandy. She and I had no problems with public displays of affection. We usually just held hands and stuff. One night, we were over at a friend house and the topic of sex came up and we were laying on the couch together. When I told her I didn't want to, she got a little sad, and then explained to me why. She was afraid I didn't feel for her what she felt for me, and while I told her that wasn't true, I can understand how she would have felt. She cried to me that night. A few weeks later it ended for her and I. Just as I was coming around to tell her I loved her, she ended it. We haven't spoken since. A few weeks before the break up, I finally heard from Jennifer who wanted to see me that night. I told her I couldn't. I honestly wanted to, but I knew it wasn't right. I explained to her the situation and honestly felt good about my decision. Brandy and I broke up just before Valentine's Day and later that week, I would get laid off at work.
I've never been good with women. Not that I treat them like dirt or anything, I just don't have very many relationships. All of them in the past have come from chance. It was never me asking them out to dinner or anything like that...it was spontaneous, it was fast, it was amazing, unbelievable, and heartbreaking all at the same time.
Sunday, October 7, 2001
It has been one hell of a week for me. I'm going to try and get through it all here, but I'm not sure. There may be a lot of jumping around and stuff, but I'll try and keep that as minimal as possible. Before we begin though, I've got a few introductions to do.
We'll start with Becky. I've known her for nearly a year now, she used to work at a local television station, but now works for us in our advertising department. Great girl. Really beautiful. That's the weird part of it. I mean, when we're in public I watch guys who stare at her and that sort of thing and I sometimes understand it and sometimes I find it odd. Reason being that when I first met her, I never stared or anything like that. I never had any sort of attraction to her. And as we got to know each other more and more, I never wanted to feel any attraction towards her. Especially after what happened with my father. When he passed away, I saw Becky at least once a day. She made it an effort to stop by my house and visit with me. At the wake, she stood with me at my father's casket. I love her. She's damn near a sister to me. And therein is the problem I have with most women. But, I'll come back to that later.
Next up is Andy. At the station and on the air, he's known as Scrote. He and I actually knew each other long before we started working at the station. Way back during my Carmike days at the theater he and I were managers together. We're the most comfortable together on air and off. We're trying to get him into the night position there and hopefully get Chase out. That's the plan anyway.
Now, on to that problem that I end up having with most women. It's the "brother" syndrome. I was an only child growing up and how I came to have so many people feel as though I am "a brother to them", I'll have no idea. It's a problem I have though. Especially with women I'm attracted to. The biggest problem I think is finding out why this happens so much. And to be honest, I'm not really complaining about this, but at times, it sucks. Such as the case that happened this week.
Her name's Melissa.