Working through my emotions and through my feelings. I sometimes force myself to think of her with this new guy. Think of them on dates, spending time together, talking to each other, even fucking.
It sounds like torture, but there's some weird thought in me that maybe the more I can get used to those thoughts the less they will haunt me.
This entire weekend has been one of sadness and soul searching. And even though the weekend may be ending, all of those other things are not. They will take time to heal - and let me be clear that no one has hurt me more than myself. It is 100% on me.
I've been reading reddit posts on Polyamory, comforted in the fact that I'm not alone here in the way that I feel, but also eased by reading the successful stories.
Communication is key and being distant this weekend to both of these people has shown me that isn't the way to handle things. I'm used to retreating. Hiding. Keeping to myself to deal with my issues and finding comfort and security in my solitude. And I may still do that from time to time when it gets intense, but I know better now. It isn't a last resort, but a resort to take when I need to, but the communication must come first and I must never close off that path.
No one wins that way. They can't comfort you without knowing you need it and you can't get that without telling them.
I think I'm going to be okay...for now. I know it will come back but I hope I'm better informed to deal with it when it does.
And not only because she is worth it. She is. She is worth every bit of what I'm going through if I can come out of it with her on the other side.
That is a STUPID subject line. But it fits, because of how stupid I felt sitting in a sandwich shop alone waiting on my order and nearly breaking down in tears, right there, for no real apparent reason.
That was part of my day yesterday. The other part was that it was around that same time when I decided to cancel on seeing her. This would have been our fourth weekend seeing each other. I think. But yeah, from the morning when I woke up I'd felt odd and just really fucking sad, to be honest, and I had contemplated cancelling then just based on my mood. I thought it might change. I thought as the day went on I would get better or shake off the feelings but sitting there almost crying, I knew it wasn't going away. And I knew after the show that afternoon that I just really wanted to be left alone to myself. No one deserved to be around me in that mind set and surprise, surprise, it's continued into today.
This was something I thought I would be better at. This was something I wanted to be better at. But I'm failing. Every time, I'm failing. And now I'm putting drama and sadness into the lives of two people who in no way deserve that. They deserve better and I wish I could be that for them, but I'm really starting to feel like I can't do it. And I don't know what that's going to mean, but it scares me and it does a HUGE number on my self confidence. Not that my self confidence was anything to write home about in the first place.
If I can't do this, I'll lose someone who's been very patient and understanding and kind and considerate and just over all amazing. And then I'll lose someone who is all of those things but has been so much more for me and to me. We're *this* close to celebrating a year together and I cannot describe in words the connection we have and how much she means to me. She means so much that I felt like I could do this for her so I could be to her what she has been to me and get beyond all of this, but the fear of coming up short in that regard is strong.
In failing both of these women, I feel like I'm also losing them. This whole weekend I've been rather distant to both of them and that's my own fault, but I can easily imagine them having other conversations with people that are making them smile and feel better while I just keep dragging them down. No one wants that and it is very easy to gravitate to the person who brings you joy and smiles.
That person is not me for either of them right now.
And I'm scared that I'll never be that person for them any more.
I crashed hard last night anyway. Left my watch on and I usually never do that. I woke up this morning with "good morning" texts from both of them.
I haven't responded.
I'm still getting ready for the show and I've done my usual Saturday morning routines that I have. Still without saying anything. I've looked myself in the mirror before shaving and nearly broke down right there with everything going through my head.
Oh yeah, those things going through my head. So I guess it isn't really sleeping on it that makes you find a new perspective on things, but man, lonely showers are where dark thoughts are born. I really believe that. It's in there where I have countless conversations with absolutely no one but always come out feeling like I'd won the argument of whatever fictional debate was happening. It's usually about something that may or may not happen at work and in the shower with these fake conversations I become more brave than I ever thought possible. That's the dark part - because I am not that brave and I know it won't come out that way. It shows me what I could be if I ever had the confidence to actually be who I am. Same applies to this morning where I just had the thought to give it all up. Oh...wait, no, that's not a suicide thing. I'll never kill myself so let's get that out of the way up front. I meant to give up on these relationships. Both of them. The one only a few weeks old and not really even considered a relationship but I know her, we've spent time together and...yeah, just end it.
And then also the one nearly a full year old. She's seeing someone new and I know she's feeling those things of new beginnings and what not so her focus is there and you have to understand this is a woman who'd do anything for me - she'd give up that relationship for me if I asked, but I never would ask that of her. And maybe that's the issue. I could never ask her to do something like that for me so my head tells me to give it up. My heart says otherwise, of course. You should know in situations like this my head usually wins. Call it self sabotage or a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's the part where it all goes to shit.
I fear of making big mistakes in this. Really big. I fear losing her, but I also fear of becoming someone who kept her from becoming herself and doing her thing and being the person she wants to be. When I think about it too much it all collapses in on itself where I give up and shut down.
Okay so (yeah two posts in one day, I know) I don't know about Boston anymore. I'm not sure what's going on. I've been having headaches and head rushes since yesterday and they still haven't gone away. Also, when the headaches get real bad, I get a fever.
Last night was 100.9, this morning was 97.6, and tonight was 101.1