I know these have been coming in very large gaps, but I don't really care anymore. It doesn't matter. I write when I feel like it and that's it. And tonight, I feel like writing.
My life's been hard, that's pretty easy to see reading these things. But it could have all been worse. I know it isn't normal of me to look on the bright side of things and in a way I'm not, but still....I feel lucky that what has happened is all that has happened so far. As I said, it could have all been a lot worse. There's people I've met, who've changed me in some way or another. Looked at myself differently or looked at life itself in a different way. It's all for the best really. I hope.
Theresa and I are no more. She broke it off with me in less than a month's time, or well, it was actually a month to the day when she called me one morning and said she had to be honest with me. She was in love with someone else. Now, in my journals I have made a strict rule to myself to be completely honest. After all, I am writing to myself in these, even if other people do read them, and if I lie to myself.....well, that's just ridiculous. Theresa's married. She filed for divorce, but her husband contested. They are still married. In that time, she's dated a few other men. One of whom she's stacked up a history with. An on again/off again sort of thing. The other man in her life gets jealous very easily. Then there's me. With nothing to offer in the looks department, money department, or even age department....but age is somewhat minor in these things. This person whom she said she was in love with is named Jason. The guy with the history. She said she wanted to pursue that for her own good and get it done with. If they were to be together, than this would be it and if not...she was going to let him go (Honestly, I don't think we can ever fully let someone go in our lives, although there are exceptions). That lasted a weekend before she made the decision to just be married and deal with that aspect of her life. That became her first priority.
I agree with her. Even though I have already become attached. I take it with stride, I suppose. Let it be. Sure, there are times when I miss the hell out of her and want to scream at her how much I love her...or think I do. But, I repress those feelings....like I do with a lot of things. This story will be a continuing one.
There has been waves made at work. Rumors of a bigger company buying us out turned into fact all within about one week's time. The buy out should happen in the next two months or so. We aren't all sure. This has raised many questions from format flipping to the big one....will they clean house or keep us on the payroll? None of us know. Again, I take this with stride. As there is nothing that can be done about it, really. Nothing at all. One person, especially me, cannot control the actions of a major company such as the one that will buy us out. Simple as that. So I wait....just like everyone else.
Life's moving by. It always does. It always was. It always has. It always will. You can't stop it. Life stops you....it lets you off the ride and then moves on. Try and hold on as long as you want, it doesn't really matter. It'll let you off when it's your time to get off. Cancer helped my mother off the ride. As for my father, it was simply just his turn. Even though I am trying to explain this all, it can never really be done justice. No one can describe life as they see it in the way that they actually see it and feel it and think they know what it is. It just can't be done. And love is almost the same.
After about a month of calling everyday and leaving a simple message, Ramona finally called back. It'd been ages since we spoke to each other and longer since we've seen each other. The biggest news came from her though. She's 7 months pregnant. At first, I was surprised. Then scared. Then came happiness. I was happy for her. Her and I talked of a child who'd not even been born yet as though the baby was already here. A mistake I think, on my part. She has yet to decide if she'll put the baby up for adoption or keep it. I don't need to tell you how hard it's going to be for a 21 year old to raise a child. The money from her current job will not support her, especially when she takes maternity leave....if they even offer. Her mother, a flight attendant living in Philly, can only give her so much money. It would seem her choice has been made. But what about the father? No, Ramona isn't the type to sleep around. She is fully aware of who the father is and is in fact still living with him, though they broke off the relationship not long ago between the two of them. She's unhappy with him and doesn't really want his help as she sees how uninvolved with everything he has become. Personally, I don't like the guy. I love Ramona. Child or not...I love her. Have for a very long time. We are good friends and I will help her in any way I can with this new adventure she will be undertaking. Keeping the child or not...it will be an adventure. Talking on the phone with her, I rushed to save the day and offered that she could move in with me if she liked. I still don't regret that. As I said, I love her. This story will be a continuing one. Just like life itself.